I bet you are all wondering how my surgery went? Well it didn’t. Monday night I ended up at the emergency department in extreme pain, only to be told I had gallstones and needed my gallbladder out!

I was admitted at 2am Tuesday morning and was operated on at 7pm Tuesday night. So I have had to put my banding surgery off for 2 weeks. The doctor said 2 to 4 weeks, but I just can’t wait any longer! I was so excited and so ready for it and now I am so disappointed that it didn’t happen.

So for the next 2 weeks I am not allowed to pick up anything heavy including my son and rest as much as I can so I am ready for the next surgery!

New date is set for 2nd July 2009 at 12:30pm …. unless my appendix goes before then! LOL

Last night one of my best friends Nicole and I hit the casino here on the Gold Coast for a girls night out! We had a buffet dinner which was so yummy and a cocktail and a few drinks! We played on the roulette tables, yes big spenders we spent about $20 and won nothing! We then put about $10 into the poker machines and I won about $50 all up which I was happy about!

We had a great night with lots of laughs and fun. But even through all of that I still felt like the fat girl. Nicole has had gastric banding and looks fantastic after losing around 60kg! (see her site here) I am always so concious of my weight in a large group of people especially at clubs or places where guys and girls are on the lookout! I have no interest in other men, I love my husband but to have a guy come and say hi would be all the flattery I need! I would walk away happy. But no such luck. Nicole on the other hand looks so fab and gets a lot of attention.

I guess I realised what life will be like after banding. Nicole has so much confidence and reminds me of what I was like before the weight. She was talking to people while I was a bit of a wall flower.

I can’t wait to get this weight off! I am so sick of being invisible to people and also when people do see me all they see is “the fat girl”.

Last night was both a lot of fun, but also pretty depressing. I now remember why I don’t go out a lot.

No comment! LOL

7 days! ONLY 7! I am actually not sure how I feel. Nervous, excited, happy, scared …. nope …. I feel a little numb. I know it’s happening next week but I just really can’t believe it! I can’t believe that I will be changing my life next Thursday!

This is not like the excitement of starting a diet where I know after 2 weeks I will fail. This is a change of life that WILL make me lose weight! That I will suceed with and that is the thing I am struggling to wrap my head around. I have been on so many diets over the years that I am sure if you mention one I have tried it! All of them have failed …. wait no …. I have failed all of them. I hate saying they failed because diets work if you stick to them! But that is what I can’t do! LOL

So trying to wrap my head around the fact that my life is changing is a little hard and I guess it is why sticking to these shakes is so difficult, because the surgery and the results of the surgery seem so surreal!

I really can’t believe in the near future I will be able to go into a store that I love! Not just stand outside and drool on the windows! I will actually be able to walk in knowing they stock my size and feel confident and actually BUY something! In all honesty I have not stepped foot in a store other than Target for about 5 years I walk past the stores I love and look through the windows wishing and hoping there is a new sign saying “we stck super large fat sizes now!” But it never happens. So I keep walking and head to Target to the plus sized section and buy boring tent clothes to hide my expanding figure.

Clothes are a huge thing for me. I love fashion, I read fashion magazines and would love to be able to dress trendy again rather than wearing the same things over and over and dressing like a 55 year old women! Ahh this dream is going to be a reality very very soon! That excites me!

So this time next week will be being admitted to hospital and the real journey begins!

Why can’t I ever stick to anything! ARGH! Ok so I wasn’t really bad … wait who am I kidding I was bad. But not as bad as I could have been.

So today is day 4 and I woke up feeling pretty hungry but not wanting a shake, the thought made me gag. So I ate some diet jelly (which is on my allowed foods list) and then had a shake. Come lunch time I was starving, I needed carbs and was pretty cranky! So I made a packet pasta and ate it. Full of carbs and fat. I was determined not to blow it to the extreme and have a shake for dinner … but hmm I went to the shop looking for low carb chocolate and walked out with sugar free lollies and REAL dark chocolate … not a small bar, but a whole block! (As I tyoe this I have eaten half of it already).

So I went home and ate half and then cooked chicken and vegies for dinner.

Why do I do it? Why can’t I stick to anything? GRRRR I want to slap myself! I guess this is why banding is my last option, this is why I am so overweight!

I can never break a diet a little, when I break it I go all out! So today was actually good for my normal standards, but still not great. I just don’t cope with no carbs very well.

So tomorrow is 7 days before the surgery and I need to be better! I need to stick to my plan (2 shakes and one meal per day).

I need to get out of the house tomorrow, a whole day at home today has made me feel a little blah! So I am going to take my little boy on a picnic to the park at lunch time. Maybe some walking and fresh air will clear my head and give me a new perspective on this whole diet thing! Here’s hoping anyway!

Oh P.S. I have lost 1.5 kilos this week! So something is working!

It’s day 3 of my shakes and I am feeling ok, actually I am pretty positive!

Yesterday I stuck to my new plan to have 2 shakes a day (morning and night) and chicken and vegies for lunch. I didn’t cheat at all! Today I am not as hungry or concerned with food, but I am still not enjoying the shakes! LOL I am not sure anyone can ever enjoy shakes. But there is only 9 days to go so I need to stick to this!

I am off to the pathology place today, I have a lot of blood tests to get done before the operation and also for allergy testing etc. I need to have a glucose challenge test which is the worst of them, I need to fast and have a blood test in the morning then drink a glucose drink, wait 3 hours and have another blood test. On top of that I need to do a 24 hour urine analysis and multiple blood tests! So the next couple of days will be full of tests and trips to the pathology lab!

So 9 days to go …. how am I feeling? …. I am not sure actually! LOL. I am excited, but it’s like going on an awesome holiday, it never hits me until we are at the airport! So I think once I am being admited to the hospital it will hit me!

Check me out on Twitter! - jenniferlindsay

I just can’t do 3 shakes a day! It’s not possible. I have a baby to run around after all day living on no food is just not possible! While it is enough to function the emotional and psychological effect it is having is not good!

So I have decided to cut to 2 shakes a day - Morning and Night. Then having chicken breast and vegies for lunch. I ate chicken today for lunch, with no fat and no skin. I don’t see the difference between chicken breast and a shake. It has less sugar because I am not adding berries to it and it is just protein. So I am happy to do this. I just can’t do 3 shakes per day while running around after Cooper. I have no energy and no energy means no patience!

Far out day 2 and I am a failure! What am I talking about I failed on day one! LOL

Ok so lets see how this goes! I am not overly concerned, my friend Nicole had her banding done a few years ago and she didn’t do the shakes before and had no issues! So I am sure I will be fine doing 2 a day and only chicken and vegies for one meal!

I could easily lie to you all and tell you how great I did day one on shakes, but this blog is going to be honest so I am going to tell the truth! I failed. Last night at about 11pm I had a brownie and ice cream! I know, I know but it was really yummy! LOL

I really hate shakes, I just can’t stand them and it’s even worse when you can’t have one normal meal a day. Every other time I have done them I have been able to have a normal meal which helps. But this diet is so strict. The only real food allowed is vegetables and fruit which really is not that fun! I like fruit and vegetables but I never feel satisfied. I need carbs! I need meat! I need sugar! LOL

Ok so this shake diet is making me go crazy, but I have to do it. I would love to lose a little weight before the surgery and I am worried if I don’t do this diet my surgery wont happen or it will be harder than it should be.

I had a shake yesterday for breakfast and then I went back to bed at lunch time and slept till 4pm so I missed lunch. I had a bowl of apricot halves when I woke up and then a shake for dinner. But all I could think about was food! It doesn’t help when my husband is eating everything in sight including my packet of Tim Tims! So I caved and had brownie and ice cream before bed. I almost went to bed without it but my willpower is just not there. I always do it, my famous words are “Ahh F*ck it”. I also can’t stop at just a little, when I break a diet I am like a little kid and I go overboard! I ate half of the big brownie (it was huge, like 4 normal brownies together) and 3 scoops of ice cream! So yes you can say I F*cked it!

So day two is here, I have had my first shake and I have to do this right! I will not cheat today, I promise …. wish me luck! God knows I will need it!

Well I guess I better set some goals! I am trying hard not to focus on the scales, but I know once I start losing weight I will watch the numbers. So here are a whole heap of goals not just weight!

* Goal Weight - 69kg
* I want to be able to buy a size 12! I am not interested in being an 8 or a 10, it would be nice but it’s not likely. So just being able to be a size 12 would be excellent!
* I want to be able to shop in Portmans and Sportsgirl. I love the clothes in these stores and haven’t ever been able to fit into them properly.
* To be able to wear heels and not feel like an elephant! I feel like I will break heels at the weight I am so it would be nice to feel light on my feet!
* No back rolls! I want to get rid of my back rolls, my saggy belly and my double chin!
* To feel confident in a swim suit. Not a bikini, but even just nice boardshorts and a tank top.
* To feel comfortable having my photo taken. I am so sick of not having photos taken of me and it’s all because of how I look!

I am sure there will be more to add as I go on, but these will do for now. I know they all seem like small shallow things, but they are things that I associate with being slimmer. Just being able to shop in trendy shops for clothes and feel light end elegant while wearing heels. These little things will make me feel happy and beautiful. I haven’t felt beautiful for a very very long time and that thought really excites me.