Well it’s been a while …. a long while in fact.

I am the perfect testament that a band is not a quick fix for weight loss! It still requires hard work and dedication.

Time to come clean ……

So I have stalled, well not really stalled I guess gone backwards. Stalling would mean I am trying with no progress. Over the past 5 or so months I have really slipped back into my old habits. I have not been for another fill since I last posted about it and I have been eating really badly. The good thing is I have not put on any weight. Actually I have lost a tiny bit more. I now weight 93.8kg. So I am at a loss total of 21.2kg since my banding. Which is fabulous, but I should be at my goal weight by now.

Today is it, I went and bought new gym clothes, I have paid $200 and signed up to www.12wbt.com and I am ready to reclaim my life and reclaim my band!

A lot has contributed to me going backwards on my weight loss road. While they are valid things, they really are just excuses.

I have decided to change banding doctors and I have removed all references on my blog to the doctor who did my surgery. I am so disappointed in the aftercare I have received and really contribute that as a large part of my downfall. My doctor is so hard to get in to see, his reception staff are rude and unapproachable and it is a stressful thing just to build the courage to call and make an appointment for an adjustment. So I decided to find someone new. I have my first appointment next Friday so we will see how it goes.

In the mean time I am starting the 12 Week Body Transformation. I am doing it to win. Simple. I think if I make it competitive I will succeed. Doing it for myself hasn’t worked because I still have emotional and mental baggage to deal with. Things that I have touched on in previous posts. I really think I am scared to be thin, I am scared that I will have nothing to hide behind. It is something I am not sure how I can overcome. So this challenge is about the thrill of winning! I want the prizes and I want the thrill of being named the best transformation! The best part is hubby is doing it too!

This will be the first of many posts over the next few days. I have a lot to get out and a lot to catch you up on.

I am sorry to all the readers who supported me and followed my blog. I am sorry I let you down.

Jen xx

Thought I would update you all on what has been going on in my life in the last month or so. I have been very MIA on my blog! So here is a quick snapshot of my life and my banding life over the last month or so.

* I had a fill 3 weeks ago. He put 3mls on top of the 2.5mls I already had, I was told this was a lot in one hit and I was struggling a little to keep water down. But went away and decided to give it a few days. I ended up back at the surgeons office 3 days later because it was painful to eat and I was vomiting from just having built up saliva! So he removed 0.5mls and it’s been great!

* I am still not at that perfect point of fill. I have 5mls in my band now but feel I still need more. I am eating more than I would like to be eating. It’s really not a lot compared to what I used to eat but I feel it is more than I should be eating.

* I am due for another fill next week, but we are going away at the end of the month and I am worried something will happen while we are overseas. So I am not sure what to do … going to call today and talk to them about it.

* I turned 28 years old a few weeks ago! I hate getting older, the closer to 30 I get the more I hate birthdays. But they are a part of life and there is nothing we can do about them!

* I guess the biggest news is hitting 95kg! Which makes my total weight loss 20kg. I was 115kg at my heaviest. I am super happy to be at 95kg and I am amazed at the difference in the way I feel and how my clothes fit. When we went out for dinner on my birthday I was shocked to see how much skinnier my face is! It was a nice surprise and I actually liked the photos for the first time in a very long time!

* Only 2.5 weeks until our trip. We are off to the USA and Canada for 3 weeks and I can’t wait!

I guess that is really it, thought I would have more news than that but turns out I am pretty boring!

Jen xx

P.S. One more piece of news! My Mum had her banding operation 3 weeks ago and is doing really well! That makes 3 in our family - My mum, her twin sister and myself! YAY!

It’s a new life for me …. and i’m feelin’ good! - Ok so I love Michael Buble, bet you didn’t know that! LOL So this is my theme song.

So I am sure from those few lyrics you can tell I have been bad … but it’s a new dawn …. it’s a new day …. and I am going to get myself on track!

I am not going to ramble on about what I have done, because there is nothing new to report. food demons and bad food habits are always there. Food and overeating is an addiction. It is something you never get over, you battle it everyday.

I used to think “addicts” of any kind - drug, cigerettes etc were weak people. I always said “well no one is holding them down and forcing them they are choosing to do this”. The more I understand my addiction the more respect and appreciation I have for other addicts. The worst thing about my addiction is it is food, one of they key pieces you need to sustain life. It is something I can’t avoid or go cold turkey. I am faced with it everyday. So I need to work on my demons everyday and battle through.

So as I said this is a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me …. and I really am feelin’ good!

Jen xx

The past few days have been pretty eventful! On Saturday (5/7/09) night I had pains and a weird feeling in the left side of my chest, I went to emergency where they put me on a heart monitor and did some blood tests. We waited about 5 hours for all the test results to come back and they were sure I had developed a clot in my lung. Because I have had 3 anesthetics in the past 4 weeks I am at a high risk of clotting.

I was admitted at 2am on Sunday (6/07/09) morning and was given an injection of heparin to thin my blood and was told I would need a CT scan in the morning to see if their was a clot present. In the morning I was finding it a little hard to breath and found having the oxygen on helped. At 12pm I was taken to have the scan. They had to inject dye into my system, which was a very weird sensation! It felt really warm and then all of a sudden I felt like I was going to wet myself!

A few hours after the scan the doctor came to see me. He said their wasn’t a clot present but I did have pneumonia and both my lungs had collapsed a little. He said I could stay if I wanted, but was happy for me to go home on antibiotics.

It was a pretty scary thing, I know pulmonary embolisims are really serious and can be life threatening. So I was panicking a little and so glad when the test came back negative.

Today is day day 4 after my surgery, I will right another blog about how the actual lap band is going. I am feeling really lousy today but trying to walk around as much as I can to help me breath better.

So lets hope this is the last bump in the road! I have had enough problems in the last month!

I can now blog from my iPhone so I will keep you up to date during my hospital stay!

Last night one of my best friends Nicole and I hit the casino here on the Gold Coast for a girls night out! We had a buffet dinner which was so yummy and a cocktail and a few drinks! We played on the roulette tables, yes big spenders we spent about $20 and won nothing! We then put about $10 into the poker machines and I won about $50 all up which I was happy about!

We had a great night with lots of laughs and fun. But even through all of that I still felt like the fat girl. Nicole has had gastric banding and looks fantastic after losing around 60kg! (see her site here) I am always so concious of my weight in a large group of people especially at clubs or places where guys and girls are on the lookout! I have no interest in other men, I love my husband but to have a guy come and say hi would be all the flattery I need! I would walk away happy. But no such luck. Nicole on the other hand looks so fab and gets a lot of attention.

I guess I realised what life will be like after banding. Nicole has so much confidence and reminds me of what I was like before the weight. She was talking to people while I was a bit of a wall flower.

I can’t wait to get this weight off! I am so sick of being invisible to people and also when people do see me all they see is “the fat girl”.

Last night was both a lot of fun, but also pretty depressing. I now remember why I don’t go out a lot.

Why can’t I ever stick to anything! ARGH! Ok so I wasn’t really bad … wait who am I kidding I was bad. But not as bad as I could have been.

So today is day 4 and I woke up feeling pretty hungry but not wanting a shake, the thought made me gag. So I ate some diet jelly (which is on my allowed foods list) and then had a shake. Come lunch time I was starving, I needed carbs and was pretty cranky! So I made a packet pasta and ate it. Full of carbs and fat. I was determined not to blow it to the extreme and have a shake for dinner … but hmm I went to the shop looking for low carb chocolate and walked out with sugar free lollies and REAL dark chocolate … not a small bar, but a whole block! (As I tyoe this I have eaten half of it already).

So I went home and ate half and then cooked chicken and vegies for dinner.

Why do I do it? Why can’t I stick to anything? GRRRR I want to slap myself! I guess this is why banding is my last option, this is why I am so overweight!

I can never break a diet a little, when I break it I go all out! So today was actually good for my normal standards, but still not great. I just don’t cope with no carbs very well.

So tomorrow is 7 days before the surgery and I need to be better! I need to stick to my plan (2 shakes and one meal per day).

I need to get out of the house tomorrow, a whole day at home today has made me feel a little blah! So I am going to take my little boy on a picnic to the park at lunch time. Maybe some walking and fresh air will clear my head and give me a new perspective on this whole diet thing! Here’s hoping anyway!

Oh P.S. I have lost 1.5 kilos this week! So something is working!

Check me out on Twitter! - jenniferlindsay

I just can’t do 3 shakes a day! It’s not possible. I have a baby to run around after all day living on no food is just not possible! While it is enough to function the emotional and psychological effect it is having is not good!

So I have decided to cut to 2 shakes a day - Morning and Night. Then having chicken breast and vegies for lunch. I ate chicken today for lunch, with no fat and no skin. I don’t see the difference between chicken breast and a shake. It has less sugar because I am not adding berries to it and it is just protein. So I am happy to do this. I just can’t do 3 shakes per day while running around after Cooper. I have no energy and no energy means no patience!

Far out day 2 and I am a failure! What am I talking about I failed on day one! LOL

Ok so lets see how this goes! I am not overly concerned, my friend Nicole had her banding done a few years ago and she didn’t do the shakes before and had no issues! So I am sure I will be fine doing 2 a day and only chicken and vegies for one meal!

Well I guess I better set some goals! I am trying hard not to focus on the scales, but I know once I start losing weight I will watch the numbers. So here are a whole heap of goals not just weight!

* Goal Weight - 69kg
* I want to be able to buy a size 12! I am not interested in being an 8 or a 10, it would be nice but it’s not likely. So just being able to be a size 12 would be excellent!
* I want to be able to shop in Portmans and Sportsgirl. I love the clothes in these stores and haven’t ever been able to fit into them properly.
* To be able to wear heels and not feel like an elephant! I feel like I will break heels at the weight I am so it would be nice to feel light on my feet!
* No back rolls! I want to get rid of my back rolls, my saggy belly and my double chin!
* To feel confident in a swim suit. Not a bikini, but even just nice boardshorts and a tank top.
* To feel comfortable having my photo taken. I am so sick of not having photos taken of me and it’s all because of how I look!

I am sure there will be more to add as I go on, but these will do for now. I know they all seem like small shallow things, but they are things that I associate with being slimmer. Just being able to shop in trendy shops for clothes and feel light end elegant while wearing heels. These little things will make me feel happy and beautiful. I haven’t felt beautiful for a very very long time and that thought really excites me.