When I saw Dr Read he gave me a list of suppliments and vitamins he wants me to take to help the Pyrrole Disorder and general health.

Here is a list of what I will be taking -

* Intestamine - Nutritional support for the gastrointestinal tract
* Zinc Sustain - Nutrient Complex
* Ultra Muscleze
* Women’s Essentials - Multi Vitamin
* Vitamin C
* Thorn B6

So lets see if they make me feel better!

The last month has been a big ride! I have been wanting to get some health issues sorted out for a long time.

*** To Much Information Alert ***

For the past few years I have had diarrhea almost everyday, sometimes 3-4 times a day. I had always suspected an allergy to dairy or gluten but have always been too scared to have it looked into. I have seen a few doctors and most have written it off as irritable bowel syndrome, but I was sure it was more. I also have very low iron and have been having iron injections for the past 2 months every fortnight.

I saw Dr Read who is a Bariatric Physican for the Circle Of Care. Calling him amazing is an insult. He is the only doctor I have ever seen who has made sense of a lot of things that I never really knew were problems. The consultation with him was meant to be an hour and it went for almost 2 hours. He went through my entire medical history and gave me answers to every question.

When I was a child I had chronic sore throats. I was forever at the doctors with a sore throat and was always told it was tonsilitis and to rest and it will go away. They never wanted to take my tonsils out. Dr Read told me my sore throats is a clear sign of a dairy allergy which I have always suspected. With my diarrhea he said that can be the dairy or a gluten allergy like Coeliacs disease. He referred me to see Dr Jorri Jordaan for a Colonoscopy and Gastroscopy.

Dr Read also diagnosed me with a genetic stress disorder called Pyrrole Disorder. He prescribed a mix of vitamins and minerals to help correct the imbalances. I ahve not yet started taking them as I had to wait until after seeing Dr Jordaan.

After leaving Dr Read’s surgery armed with all that information I felt amazing, I was glad to have a doctor take my symptoms seriously.

4 days ago I saw Dr Jordaan and he booked me in for the Colonoscopy and Gastroscopy. He said my symptoms were concistant with Coeliacs.

Today I had the Colonoscopy and Gastroscopy done. Can I say that was the least fun I have ever had! lol. The bowel prep was hell! I had to drink an awful drink all day yesterday and have never felt so bad in my life! The actual procedure was fine, I was out so have no idea! He found a few things and took biopsies and I hope to get the results back next week!

I am feeling so good, I am taking care of my health and it is something I should have done a long time ago.

The banding has really changed my life and it hasn’t even happened yet!

No not the drug … the drink Coca Cola!! lol. I am a fully self confessed Coke addict! I have been drinking Coke since I was about 15 years old. It started off one every now and then and went to a full on addiction.

I can honestly drink up to 1.5 litres a day and have been known to drink over 2 litres in a day. I am hooked, I really crave Coke like it is a drug!

When I found out I was pregnant I dropped down from 1.5 litres a day to 600 mls a week! I would treat myself on a Friday night and have a 600ml Coke. The first few weeks without it were so hard. I had the shakes, headaches, sleeplessness etc. It was like I was having withdrawls! After the initial 3 weeks I actually felt ok, the withdrawl symptoms went away and I didn’t increase my intake at all during my pregnancy.

But once the baby was born and breastfeeding didn’t work out I slipped back into my old ways! I am back to about 1.5 litres of Coke a day and atleast one energy drink.

So now I am going to have the banding I have to stop!!!

For reasons other than my weight I have no confidence. I have been doing a lot of soul searching this past week and reflecting on my childhood. I by no means had a bad childhood, I was loved and supported by my parents. However I do have a few resentments.

My brother was a very troubled child, some call it ADD other call it just a naughty child, whatever it is my brother was very naughty. He had no concerntration in school and was constantly disruptive. My parents spent most of his school life taking him to specialists, putting him on diets and taking calling in tutor to help him with his school work.

I was never neglected, but I was left behind. I was left to deal with things on my own and if I needed help I was too afraid to ask for it because I knew my parents could not afford it with everything my brother was going through and I knew they didn’t need another stress in their life.

When I was in primary school I fell behind a little. I am not sure why, I have always been a very social person and sometimes that got in the way of my school work and altered my focus. For year 6 (last year of primary school) I was put in a composite class of year 5 and year 6. we were never told, but it was because we were the lowest performers of the year before and required some additional catch up. I always felt like I didn’t belong, I always felt like the smarter kid with a bunch of idiots. The thing is I think that is when my parents stopped thinking of me as intelligent. They got me a tutor and helped me out and I finished primary school no worries.

Once I was in high school my socializing became an issue, I rarely did any homework or assignments, I never paid attention in class but I still managed to scrap through with C’s in subjects I hated and B’s in subjects I thought were ok. With effort and attention I am sure I could have been an A student.

When I got to high school my parents were in full swing with my brothers problems. I had a tutor for a while to help with Maths but it was very short lived. My parents were too focused on my brother and I was just in the background plodding along. I left school in year 11.

Since as long as I can remember all I have heard is how smart my brother is. My Mum will often say “ohh your brother is very intelligent he could do so much with his life” not once have I ever heard her say that about me. I feel intimidated by my parents, like I need to still all these years later, fade into the background. I have not had an educated stimulation conversation with either of them in about 10 years! Anytime I go to talk to them about topics of interest where I know I clam up and stutter and end up sounding like a fool.

I class myself as an intelligent person, I am not book smart but I am worldly wise, I have an excellent memory and I have educated myself in many areas by general research and life experience. Yet I am still unable to show my parents this side of me.

I run a network of websites that I started from scratch and they never ask me how it is going. Three years ago I left my job because I was unhappy and started these sites as a hobby and from there it has built into a great part time business and soon to be full time. I feel they don’t take what I do seriously. I still hear how well my brother is doing in his life and how smart and talented he is at what he does but I just feel like the kid who quit her job three years ago to be a housewife. I don’t feel I get the acknowledgement from them I deserve and really crave.

I want them to sit with me and look at what I created, I want them to tell me I am smart and that I have achieved something, for some unknown reason I want their approval and I want them to be proud of me and see me as more than the less than average student I used to be.

I really wish I could sit with my parents and show them what everyone else see’s - a smart, educated women who has achieved something in my life and wants to step out of the shadows of her brother.

I have tried to say something to my Mum before and all I get is “yes yes we were awful parents and you were so hard done by”. I don’t think she understands that I am not faulting her as a parent or saying I had a bad childhood, I just want some attention and recognition for what I have achieved.

I used a virtual system to see a before and after …

106kg

65kg-69kg

I am 28 this year … my second last birthday in my 20’s. I still remember what it was like to be 19 and I couldn’t wait to turn 20! I just wanted to be out of my teens so people would take me seriously. Here I am 8 years later staring down the barrel of 30 and wishing with all my might that I could go back to being 19.

My biggest fear with age right now is not only getting older but also being overweight and older. I have spent the last 5 years overweight, the best part of my 20’s ashamed of my weight and insecure about how I look and what I wear. I want even just one year in my 20’s where I feel amazing! When I am happy to be the weight I am and can enjoy being young!

I know some say 30 is the new 20 but I have a huge fear of 30. My Mum was in her 30’s when I was a teenager and I thought she was so old! The “old bat” of a teacher I had in high school was probably around 30. So I have always associated 30 with being so old.

Now for another issue. My insecurities! Wow where do I start there are just too many! I am a really bad friend, I never call and never return messages and I can go for weeks if not months without contact. Mostly because I like my space and my own company, but the other reason is because of my own insecurities.

I am at my most comfortable in a room full of fat people. If I am not the fatest person at the table I am fine! I will stay all day and have fun. But when I am out with friends who are smaller than me and pretty much all my friends are … well actually they all are! I am uncomfortable the whole time. I worry they will notice that I take up the whole chair with my big thighs, I look at their skinny legs and how nicely they fit in the chair and then I look down and see my thighs spilling over the sides and the arm rests very snug on my waist. I worry what they will think when I order my food or drink and take every glance they make at my drink or food as judgement. I am in constant worry they are wondering why the fat chick is eating at all when she should starve herself immediately!

I know I am silly and I know there is no judgement, but I can’t get past it. I am so insecure with my weight and the way I look that I assume everyone is looking at me and thinks I am a whale!

Today I went to the Surf Shop and as you all know they are staffed my young attractive people. The guy behind the counter was very friendly and easy to talk to he cracked a few jokes and I laughed and all I could think was …. “Wow he must feel sorry for the fat chick and must feel like he has to be nice to me because I am so sad and overweight”. When really he is probably a nice guy who likes talking to people and probably didn’t even look at me and didn’t notice how fat I was. But it is my stupid insecurities that make me feel like everyone from the butcher to the retail assistant in the surf shop to my own friends are judging me.

I am so ready for a change, I am so ready to make my life better. I am so ready to lose this weight and shed my insecurities and fears and be able to walk with confidence and know that when people look at me or talk to me they are not looking at my weight. But I know I have a lot of work ahead of me and the surgery is only a small part of that. I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist and really getting to the bottom of my issues!

Until next time, goodnight to all of you out there in crazy blog land!

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I am very lucky to have such an amazing friend who has already had Gastric Banding. She is an amazing inspiration … I will let you see why!

Gunna Be A Skinny Mini

Well I guess the next step in my journey is to get to the bottom of why I have such a volotile relationship with food.

I didn’t have a bad childhood, infact it was pretty great. I have wonderful parents and a very loving environment. We were always doing sports and activities after school. My parents were heavily involved in our local baseball club so we were always very active.

Mum has always battled with her weight. She was constantly on a diet as I was growing up - the best one she did was easy slim. It was a little like Weight Watchers. She lost a lot of weight, I am assuming about 30kg. She looked fantastic. But even though she was battling with her weight she always fed us healthy, yummy food. She was constantly finding new healthy recipe’s and always said she wanted us never to have to battle with our weight like she did.

I really don’t know where my battle with food started. I left school in year 11 (1998) and started a hairdressing apprenticeship. At that stage I was around 60kg and a size 12.  We had a take away shop next door and no other shops in easy walking distance, so it was either that or bringing lunch from home. So most days I would buy a hamburger or chicken sticks. We worked long hours and often ate on the go or not at all. So I never had any structure with lunch or snacks and would grab anything that was easy.

When I was 19 I moved out with friends, it wasn’t a happy house. I lived with my then best friend and her boyfriend and I always felt like the odd person out.  So I would always go to my boyfriends house and eat take away almost every night. I think that is when I started sneaking food. I would never eat junk food in front of him as I was worried he would judge me. He was a pretty healthy person and only ate junk food on occassion. So I guess that is where it started … hmm having a quiet reflection and a lightbulb moment! haha

I would normally eat after visiting him, I would do the women thing and he would prepare food and I would pick at it and say I wasn’t hungry or I had a big lunch.  So on my way home I would call into McDonalds or my favourite … Taco bel! and pig out. I would then call into the corner store or service station and grab Coke and chocolate. I would then go home and sit in bed watching TV and eating junk food.

The funny thing is I am very educated on food. I know what I should eat and how much, I understand calorie counting, fat content and could probably keep up at a nutritionist seminar! But for some reason all of that knowlegge goes out the door.

I see myself getting bigger and I cry when I go up a size but for some reason it is not enough to kick me into gear.

I join gyms, in fact I am still a member of a gym! I have been for 2 years and probably went about 7 times at the beginning. We also bought a treadmill with great intentions and now it is a place the dogs love to eat treats and the handles are great to dry clothes on! I always join gyms with great intentions. I set goals and go every 2 days for the first 2 weeks and then ….. it ends! I just can’t keep the momentum going.

The problem seems to have got better over the years. I met my now husband and felt more comfortable and did not feel a need to hide anything from him. I am not sure what made me stop over eating ??

I am still bad with food, I still have pig outs and don’t know my limits. I have a very sweet tooth and honestly do not understand what “too rich” means. Nothing is too sweet for me and I guess that poses it’s own issues.

Another issue I face is boredom with food. Because my Mum always cooked new and exciting things everynight when I was young I find it very hard to stick to any eating plan that means plain, boring and repeatative foods. I can’t live on lean meat, vegetables and no sauces. I go insane! I must have variety and flavour.
So After reading this back to myself I am actually surprised I am not heavier than I am. How did I manage to stay the same weight for the last 2 years?

I am sorry if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense, I needed to get to the bottom of my issue and felt writing it down would help!

I have always had a constant battle with food and eating. I have been an over eater for as long as I can remember. While my parents always made sure I ate healthy at home, it was at school or in the privacy of my own room that I would eat things I shouldn’t.

It was only recently that I realised I used to have an eating disorder. I know like a lot of people I always associated eating disorders with bulemia and anorexia, not realising that any extreme abuse of diet or food was a disorder.

When I was in school it wasn’t bad, I would hide a chocolate bar in my wardrobe or a bag of chips, or I would take 2 treats from the cupboard rather than 1. It started off small and by the time I hit 20 it was in full swing. I would go to lunch alone at work and eat until I could not eat any more. I would eat anything high in fat - pasta, pizza, roast port rolls, chocolate etc. I would then go home via McDonalds or Taco Bel and sit in the carpark and eat a large meal before going home and eating dinner.

For dinner I would always make reasonably healthy meals and would always eat healthy when I was out with friends. But behind closed doors when I was alone on my couch I would drink 2 litres of Coke, eat a large bag of chips and a packet of Tim Tams followed by a large meal from McDonalds. I would sneak food and would never tell anyone where I had been. I would hide food in my underwear drawer.

I guess I never really got help and never really knew I had a problem. I just grew out of it I guess. By the age of 23 I was better. I stopped sneaking things and hiding to eat. I think that had a lot to do with being in a very honest stable relationship with my now husband.

The bad thing is after 5 years of abusing myself I had put on about 25 kilograms! I went from being a healthy size 12 weighing 60kg to the biggest I had ever been at a size 16 weighing 90kg . By that stage I was very inactive and still not eating properly. Over the next 2 years I put on another 15kg and have stayed at 105kg for about 2 years now.

So here I am 27 years old … about to turn 28 in September. I weigh 105kg and I am a size 18-20. I have tried every diet under the sun - Atkins, The Zone, meal replacement, healthy eating, weight watchers, lite n easy and anything else you can think of I am sure I have done it!

Nothing has worked. It was not the diet that failed but me failing the diet. I need instant results to keep my motivation and 1-2kg a week is not enough for me. So after 2 weeks of hard dieting I would fall off the wagon.

My other flaw is if I cheat, I can’t stop at one little thing. If I have a chocolate bar instead of stopping and not completely destroying my diet I will go “stuff it” and have a major pig out!! Then I will say the classic line to myself … “it’s ok I will start again on Monday”. I am sure I am not the only one who has said this lie to themselves over and over and most of the time Monday never comes.

So here I am all 105kg of me with a beautiful new baby boy who is going to get more active and I struggle to keep up with him at 14 weeks old. I can’t get off the floor without a struggle. I am now staring down the barrel of a life of possible diabetes, heart attack, heart disease and possibly an early death. All because I can’t take hold of my weight!

So I have made the decision, after a lot of research and soul searching … I am going to have Gastric Banding ….

I will post more on that later!

So here is to a new me! A new start and a new life!

Jen xx

I cannot guarantee this will be in anyway interesting, entertaining or insightful! But I will try my best!

I will be documenting my life and my weightloss journey with blog posts, video and photos!

So stay tuned!

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