For reasons other than my weight I have no confidence. I have been doing a lot of soul searching this past week and reflecting on my childhood. I by no means had a bad childhood, I was loved and supported by my parents. However I do have a few resentments.

My brother was a very troubled child, some call it ADD other call it just a naughty child, whatever it is my brother was very naughty. He had no concerntration in school and was constantly disruptive. My parents spent most of his school life taking him to specialists, putting him on diets and taking calling in tutor to help him with his school work.

I was never neglected, but I was left behind. I was left to deal with things on my own and if I needed help I was too afraid to ask for it because I knew my parents could not afford it with everything my brother was going through and I knew they didn’t need another stress in their life.

When I was in primary school I fell behind a little. I am not sure why, I have always been a very social person and sometimes that got in the way of my school work and altered my focus. For year 6 (last year of primary school) I was put in a composite class of year 5 and year 6. we were never told, but it was because we were the lowest performers of the year before and required some additional catch up. I always felt like I didn’t belong, I always felt like the smarter kid with a bunch of idiots. The thing is I think that is when my parents stopped thinking of me as intelligent. They got me a tutor and helped me out and I finished primary school no worries.

Once I was in high school my socializing became an issue, I rarely did any homework or assignments, I never paid attention in class but I still managed to scrap through with C’s in subjects I hated and B’s in subjects I thought were ok. With effort and attention I am sure I could have been an A student.

When I got to high school my parents were in full swing with my brothers problems. I had a tutor for a while to help with Maths but it was very short lived. My parents were too focused on my brother and I was just in the background plodding along. I left school in year 11.

Since as long as I can remember all I have heard is how smart my brother is. My Mum will often say “ohh your brother is very intelligent he could do so much with his life” not once have I ever heard her say that about me. I feel intimidated by my parents, like I need to still all these years later, fade into the background. I have not had an educated stimulation conversation with either of them in about 10 years! Anytime I go to talk to them about topics of interest where I know I clam up and stutter and end up sounding like a fool.

I class myself as an intelligent person, I am not book smart but I am worldly wise, I have an excellent memory and I have educated myself in many areas by general research and life experience. Yet I am still unable to show my parents this side of me.

I run a network of websites that I started from scratch and they never ask me how it is going. Three years ago I left my job because I was unhappy and started these sites as a hobby and from there it has built into a great part time business and soon to be full time. I feel they don’t take what I do seriously. I still hear how well my brother is doing in his life and how smart and talented he is at what he does but I just feel like the kid who quit her job three years ago to be a housewife. I don’t feel I get the acknowledgement from them I deserve and really crave.

I want them to sit with me and look at what I created, I want them to tell me I am smart and that I have achieved something, for some unknown reason I want their approval and I want them to be proud of me and see me as more than the less than average student I used to be.

I really wish I could sit with my parents and show them what everyone else see’s - a smart, educated women who has achieved something in my life and wants to step out of the shadows of her brother.

I have tried to say something to my Mum before and all I get is “yes yes we were awful parents and you were so hard done by”. I don’t think she understands that I am not faulting her as a parent or saying I had a bad childhood, I just want some attention and recognition for what I have achieved.