I am 28 this year … my second last birthday in my 20’s. I still remember what it was like to be 19 and I couldn’t wait to turn 20! I just wanted to be out of my teens so people would take me seriously. Here I am 8 years later staring down the barrel of 30 and wishing with all my might that I could go back to being 19.

My biggest fear with age right now is not only getting older but also being overweight and older. I have spent the last 5 years overweight, the best part of my 20’s ashamed of my weight and insecure about how I look and what I wear. I want even just one year in my 20’s where I feel amazing! When I am happy to be the weight I am and can enjoy being young!

I know some say 30 is the new 20 but I have a huge fear of 30. My Mum was in her 30’s when I was a teenager and I thought she was so old! The “old bat” of a teacher I had in high school was probably around 30. So I have always associated 30 with being so old.

Now for another issue. My insecurities! Wow where do I start there are just too many! I am a really bad friend, I never call and never return messages and I can go for weeks if not months without contact. Mostly because I like my space and my own company, but the other reason is because of my own insecurities.

I am at my most comfortable in a room full of fat people. If I am not the fatest person at the table I am fine! I will stay all day and have fun. But when I am out with friends who are smaller than me and pretty much all my friends are … well actually they all are! I am uncomfortable the whole time. I worry they will notice that I take up the whole chair with my big thighs, I look at their skinny legs and how nicely they fit in the chair and then I look down and see my thighs spilling over the sides and the arm rests very snug on my waist. I worry what they will think when I order my food or drink and take every glance they make at my drink or food as judgement. I am in constant worry they are wondering why the fat chick is eating at all when she should starve herself immediately!

I know I am silly and I know there is no judgement, but I can’t get past it. I am so insecure with my weight and the way I look that I assume everyone is looking at me and thinks I am a whale!

Today I went to the Surf Shop and as you all know they are staffed my young attractive people. The guy behind the counter was very friendly and easy to talk to he cracked a few jokes and I laughed and all I could think was …. “Wow he must feel sorry for the fat chick and must feel like he has to be nice to me because I am so sad and overweight”. When really he is probably a nice guy who likes talking to people and probably didn’t even look at me and didn’t notice how fat I was. But it is my stupid insecurities that make me feel like everyone from the butcher to the retail assistant in the surf shop to my own friends are judging me.

I am so ready for a change, I am so ready to make my life better. I am so ready to lose this weight and shed my insecurities and fears and be able to walk with confidence and know that when people look at me or talk to me they are not looking at my weight. But I know I have a lot of work ahead of me and the surgery is only a small part of that. I am looking forward to seeing the psychologist and really getting to the bottom of my issues!

Until next time, goodnight to all of you out there in crazy blog land!

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