Well I guess the next step in my journey is to get to the bottom of why I have such a volotile relationship with food.

I didn’t have a bad childhood, infact it was pretty great. I have wonderful parents and a very loving environment. We were always doing sports and activities after school. My parents were heavily involved in our local baseball club so we were always very active.

Mum has always battled with her weight. She was constantly on a diet as I was growing up - the best one she did was easy slim. It was a little like Weight Watchers. She lost a lot of weight, I am assuming about 30kg. She looked fantastic. But even though she was battling with her weight she always fed us healthy, yummy food. She was constantly finding new healthy recipe’s and always said she wanted us never to have to battle with our weight like she did.

I really don’t know where my battle with food started. I left school in year 11 (1998) and started a hairdressing apprenticeship. At that stage I was around 60kg and a size 12.  We had a take away shop next door and no other shops in easy walking distance, so it was either that or bringing lunch from home. So most days I would buy a hamburger or chicken sticks. We worked long hours and often ate on the go or not at all. So I never had any structure with lunch or snacks and would grab anything that was easy.

When I was 19 I moved out with friends, it wasn’t a happy house. I lived with my then best friend and her boyfriend and I always felt like the odd person out.  So I would always go to my boyfriends house and eat take away almost every night. I think that is when I started sneaking food. I would never eat junk food in front of him as I was worried he would judge me. He was a pretty healthy person and only ate junk food on occassion. So I guess that is where it started … hmm having a quiet reflection and a lightbulb moment! haha

I would normally eat after visiting him, I would do the women thing and he would prepare food and I would pick at it and say I wasn’t hungry or I had a big lunch.  So on my way home I would call into McDonalds or my favourite … Taco bel! and pig out. I would then call into the corner store or service station and grab Coke and chocolate. I would then go home and sit in bed watching TV and eating junk food.

The funny thing is I am very educated on food. I know what I should eat and how much, I understand calorie counting, fat content and could probably keep up at a nutritionist seminar! But for some reason all of that knowlegge goes out the door.

I see myself getting bigger and I cry when I go up a size but for some reason it is not enough to kick me into gear.

I join gyms, in fact I am still a member of a gym! I have been for 2 years and probably went about 7 times at the beginning. We also bought a treadmill with great intentions and now it is a place the dogs love to eat treats and the handles are great to dry clothes on! I always join gyms with great intentions. I set goals and go every 2 days for the first 2 weeks and then ….. it ends! I just can’t keep the momentum going.

The problem seems to have got better over the years. I met my now husband and felt more comfortable and did not feel a need to hide anything from him. I am not sure what made me stop over eating ??

I am still bad with food, I still have pig outs and don’t know my limits. I have a very sweet tooth and honestly do not understand what “too rich” means. Nothing is too sweet for me and I guess that poses it’s own issues.

Another issue I face is boredom with food. Because my Mum always cooked new and exciting things everynight when I was young I find it very hard to stick to any eating plan that means plain, boring and repeatative foods. I can’t live on lean meat, vegetables and no sauces. I go insane! I must have variety and flavour.
So After reading this back to myself I am actually surprised I am not heavier than I am. How did I manage to stay the same weight for the last 2 years?

I am sorry if this post doesn’t make a lot of sense, I needed to get to the bottom of my issue and felt writing it down would help!